Analysis: does China exist?

Gavin Kuncl, Writer

(Note, this article is purely satire, a pure joke. Opinions and statements expressed are not actually held by the writer or other members of the FHS Register.)

In the history of the world, there has been a few global superpowers, Russia, China and the United States, but one of these superpowers is a fake. In reality, China does not exist. But what or who makes up this elaborate scheme?

Following the path of modern events, China is a military and economical guardian of North Korea. Exporting oil and other goods as the lifeblood of the isolated nation. Acting as counter weight to the United States in the Pacific and Asia, boasting a large population of 1.379 billion. China is a nation containing nuclear warheads, although the stockpile is smaller than the US or Russia.

The so-called “People’s Republic of China” is actually a hoax orchestrated by the Hollywood’s elite and Steve Irwin. Hollywood utilizes the idea of China as a marketing tactic to persuade customers to watch Hollywood-produced films. This leads to product placement and product placement slowly influences the consumer to purchase specific items. Hollywood uses China as a massive advertisement campaign to fund the lizards living on the dark side of the moon. These lizards use the money generated by China (Hollywood) to fight Jedi versions of Albert Einstein. In 1974 they contacted Hollywood to create China through a messenger and that messenger was Alex Jones. The United States government found out that Jones was a messenger that could cause civil unrest, so they imprisoned him in Area 51.

To add more legitimacy to the hoax of China, they need a figurehead. The chosen figurehead fought Nazis in the 1940’s, averted the Cuban missile crisis and inspired George R.R. Martin to write ‘Game of Thrones’ and was, therefore, the perfect choice. Steve Irwin. Irwin prepared himself for the task under the illusion of crocodile hunting. On September 4, 2006, he was called into action. Irwin faked his death and underwent extensive facial modification. He adopted the alter ego of Xi Jinping and currently poses as the “leader” of “China” to control his shadow government and money funding conspiracy.

History says that China was officially founded in 1949, with a culture that dates back 5000 years, but that is false. They used British magic to change our history books. Sending their agents to grab all the cash they can to fund the moon men in the interdimensional war on terror. Ever find pennies in the couch? Chinese agents hide the coins there for collection later. Ever have a sock go missing? Chinese agents steal socks to resell them on the black market.

Returning to points previously made, the global superpower of China is nothing more than a hoax chasing the pursuit of money.


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